The Lever that is Flushing American Down the Toilet (its always the ones you don't expect)

Many people are saying we are in a moral decline in American society*. Growing up I've heard a lot of mud slinging about who or what is to blame for this downward spiral. Often the accused are things that I loved growing up and still have a nostalgic affection for. That is to say, I took the accusations a bit personally. My generation was told that because we played video games, and watched movies and the news, read books about rebellious youths ("Catcher in the Rye made me do it"), and listened to music where people screamed we were sending our country off the way of the buffalo.

But I say no!

I'm not saying that these things in some part aren't negatively affecting our society**. They very well may be, I can't say for sure, I'm not a doctor. But they are only younger brothers and sisters of the earlier moral corruption our parents and grandparents were exposed to. We are only inheriting their immorality. The main cause of our moral decline, the thing that started us down the current path we're on, the shepherd towards destruction is:

Musicals!

That's right! Someone had to say it eventually. We have not gotten this way because of twenty years of video games. We have gotten the way we are because of over a hundred years of musicals rotting us from the core.

Don't believe me?

Skeptical?

How about some proof?

Here is a fun game I'll get us all started on: Take any musical and examine it as face value and ask what it is (if one were to look at it as a moral guide) teaching us about life, morality, proper conduct, etc. Lets look at three examples to get us rolling on this.

1) Seven Brides for Seven Brothers
This is probably one of the easiest musicals to pick apart so it should be a good place to start. If I were to use this musical as my moral compass here is the conclusion I would easily draw:
If I want to get married to a certain girl, but she isn't too into me for whatever reason, maybe I'm brash or unrefined or I punch people in the face in public (all of which happens in the musical) all I have to do to get her to fall in love with me is to ride into town and kidnap her and take her to my remote mountain estate where escape and/or rescue is made impossible by the long winter's snow and harsh conditions. Within four months she'll not only be madly in love with me but she will defend my goodness to the townspeople trying to rescue her, delivering a speech that makes them feel bad about themselves! Oh did I mention that this is all the better if there are six other brothers to do the same thing, then there are plenty of women to do all the womanly activities like sewing, cooking, being pretty etc. While the brothers saw wood and sing in a lovely baritone.

Where to begin on how messed up this story is?! I'm just gonna try to give single words that should bring the idea across: kidnapping, creepy, illegal, sexist, and that dudes hair is weird!

Try this in real life and you go to prison buddy!

2) Grease

One of the most beloved musicals of all time but someones gotta do it. I gotta tear down this immoral monster!

The lesson:

So I like this girl. I think she likes me too. But I got all these social standards and restrictions over me that keep me from dating her. We are two poor people in love divided by metaphorical fences we neither constructed nor truly understand. This is made all the worse by the fact that in trying to be cool in front of my friends I've been a jerk to her. Now I've pushed her away forever. Oh love is so cruel. So how do I win her back? I change. I become someone different, someone that her pompous self-righteous clique can appreciate. I become a jock, not because I like sports but because she has shown that she likes guys who like sports. When I go to show her how I can change for her, how i can be someone I'm not for her, because I'm not totally sure she likes me for who I am... oh wonder of wonders! Its a miracle!!! She has changed for me. Now she is a scantily clad, classless... well I can't say I respect her much more, but she looks great! And she did it all for me. She became someone other than who she is all for me! Isn't that romantic? She abandoned her moral compass because she thought it'd make me like her more. This must be love!!!

This is ridiculous. The music is fun and John Travolta hitting that high note is worth the price of admission, and certainly its a blast to watch 32 year olds play 17 year olds. But come on people! This is awful. Girls don't change who you are for John Travolta, or any other guy, and especially don't change into a catwomen uniform with a popped collar. Its not cool. Same for you boys!

3) Guys and Dolls
This is with no disrespect towards Frank Sinatra or Marlon Brando. If I was half as cool as either of them I'd certainly overdose on coolness. So I'm not talking bad on them. I am only saying that this play is messed up.

You want a play that tries to make the idea of missionary dating look great? Here it is. Brando's character makes a bet with Sinatra's character that he can get little miss Too-Cool-For-School-Salvation-Army-Super-Christian to fall in love with him. But then he starts digging on her. Then she starts digging on him. Then she finds out about the bet. Then she stops digging on him so much. Although she still kinda digs on him but doesn't, you know? But he still digs on her. Whats a poor guy to do? Win her back. How? Make a bet with every low life gambler in New York (including Sinatra's character who, through the whole play is being chased by a cop-played flawlessly by me in the high school play I was in) that if he wins in shooting craps they all have to go to a revival and pretend to be Christian like. He wins. Everyone goes both because they lost the bet and because they finally got caught gambling by the cop and they need to look like good Christian boys instead of low life gamblers for their cover. They all act like Christians. Salvation Army chick is back in love and all is right with the world.

Don't you all feel so good about yourselves after that fairy tale?


I might have stumbled on something dangerous here. There may be a vast government conspiracy to cover up the plot to poison our society slowly through catchy musicals. But its happening. And I am willing to risk life and limb to bring you the truth.

Now go play the game with your friends!



*This is highly contested and I'm not sure I agree with the conclusions as they are simply laid out. But for the sake of this article lets just roll with it.
** well if you're saying that reading is negatively affecting our society then shame on you! Unless you're talking about the Twilight series, in which case you may or may not have a point. The vote is still out on that one.