A Moment of Self Disclosure

I'm not sure I have ever been in love before. I'm pretty sure I haven't. I mean, I am certain that I have loved before, as in I've cared more for other people more than myself and wanted their best above my own. But love in the romantic, marriage sense... I don't think so. Its been a long time and retrospect has a way of clouding the experience from how I felt at those moments but no... I haven't been in love with anyone up to this point in my life.

What I am certain about though is that I am completely, unashamedly, unquestionably, head-over-heals in love with myself. I'm crazy about me. I think I'm the greatest thing that ever existed and I spare no expense to make sure that I am taken care of, happy, and have everything I could possibly want or desire. I dote on myself, think about myself, and spoil myself more than anyone else in the world.


People I know may be surprised by this. Certainly I am not one to shy away from my defects or call my own shortcomings to everyone's attention. I know my flaws, and struggle with being disappointed and wishing I had done many things in my life differently. But none of that gets in the way of being absolutely crazy about me.

Rampant Materialism

This came to my attention this weekend as I took some time away to think and pray through some issues in my life. I was off in Newport wandering around different stores when I walked into a book store. I can't go into book stores without buying something. Its a problem. This summer I bought a plethora of books because so many good new books came out and there are a back list of books I've wanted to read, plus Amazon has that free shipping if you buy $25 worth of books thing so I figured I'd maximize my purchasing power with that. One thing led to another and I suddenly had a backlog of over a dozen books that sat on my bookshelf and were waiting to be enjoyed by the love of my life, yours truly. I was really just walking around the book store because it was something to do whilest I waited for hunger to set in and the heat to die down outside. Then I found a book that looked interesting. It was not a book that would change my life. It was not a book that was on my radar. But something inside of me reasoned: I must have this book. I had about 14 books at home that I had thought the same thing about too, I had another that I was in the middle of reading. But the child inside of me (or something more or less sinister, I can't say) wanted that immediate gratification. I saw something, I wanted it, I bought it. End of story. The real problem for me was the long trip down the escalator upon leaving my literary utopia-I felt no guilt. All logic told me I did not need this book. I had too many books waiting to entertain me as well as this book could. It would not help me in any way. It was clearly not a necessity to my life. But I needed to have it. And despite all logic that pointed me against it I bought myself a gift.

I'm supposing that's the only way to look at this. I bought myself a gift. You know what is annoying about that? In the last 6 months both my sisters, my brother, and four of my closets friends have had birthdays and I have gotten them nothing. My parents had a wedding anniversary, to celebrate I bought David Foster Wallace's Brief Interviews with Hideous Men for myself. For them? Nothing. That makes me feel like an awful person. But it doesn't stop me from buying myself more stuff I don't need. And it doesn't inspire me to dote on my loved ones as I should.

Its embarrassing to consider that I have hardly kept any (reasonable) pleasure from myself. I'm not hard to please. I just like having books and movies to adorn my shelves and a nice meatball sandwich every now and then. There is no delaying of gratification for me. When I see a book I buy it. When there is a movie I want to see I get it. No questions, no delay, no consideration. Its just three simple steps: want, obtain, repeat.

Me First and the Gimme Gimmes

Sometimes when I'm driving I get tripped out by the idea that each car has a person in it. Each person has a life, friends, family, ambitions, hardships, dreams, failures, character defects, moments of compassion. These are all fully realized human beings going about their lives just like I am. Its crazy to think about that. These aren't just numbers or people in my way, these are real people whom God loves and has created in His image.

Most of the time I don't think like that. While driving I don't see beings made in the image of God. I see cars blocking my ability to get to a location five minutes faster than I would have if they weren't in my way. If I am being honest they are road blocks, moronic people who don't drive nearly as well as my high standards dictate. I don't care about them, their dreams, the fight they just got into with someone they love. I just want them out of my way. I think that makes me a monster.

Now I know I can't know what is going on in each person's life, and it is impossible for me to practically care for each person sitting on the 91 freeway keeping me from my destination, but still... a heart of compassion is always hard to find in my Ford Taurus on any drive I'm on. I wish I could stop being so concerned with getting from point a to point b and instead be patient and caring for those around me. I can't verbally share Christ's love with these people, but I could do a better job of caring for them as Christ would. I would just have to stop caring about myself for a moment and care for someone else more. That's difficult.

In Conclusion

I was talking to a friend the other day, and perhaps because I was too tired or too comfortable (or a combination of the two) I had a moment of self disclosure I usually wouldn't. I admitted to all I said here: that I love myself and am embarrassed by that fact but I still can't seem to get over me. Then I said this "there is no way that a person can spend all day with themselves, thinking about themselves, caring for themselves, without being at least mildly (if not recklessly) in love with themselves." I spend all day with myself, as you spend all day with you. I can't get away from myself if I tried (and believe me I've tried!). That much time with one person brings about one of two things 1) outright hatred and rejection of that person, or 2) a love that is not matched by any other person.

In sin it is easy to love yourself, spoil yourself, put yourself first, at least it is for me. It comes naturally to think about myself first since I'm always with myself. That's not always a bad thing (at least in the interest of self preservation and a healthy amount of confidence), but it is when it prevents us from loving others, putting them first, and practicing the Christian discipline of dying to ourselves. Self gratification is a sinful thing, and I admit to it with shame. But until I admit it there isn't anything I can do about it. Until I realize this unfavorable characteristic there is no hope for change.

Now, who should I go buy a present for tomorrow?