Almighty Heroes (or... the downfall of western society)

I was walking through a local store the other day looking to buy myself an energy drink, some Swedish Fish, and toothpaste to balance it all out when I came across these two awe inspiring pieces of Biblical action and plastic. In researching this online there is a whole enterprise of Bible actions figures you can purchase if you were so inclined.

On seeing my heroes come to life in the same format as mutated turtles, super soldiers, and pro-wrestlers my heart split in two. Schizophrenically I had opposing yet simultaneous reactions:

1) The creator of these toys deserves a Nobel prize!

A Nobel prize at least! I think sainthood might be overkill but that doesn't mean its not deserved. If I found these toys when I was 9 years old I would have known then and there I was born with the specific purpose of playing with these action figures. College? Marriage? That stuff is for chumps! My life's work would be playing with these action figures until their paint was chipped and warn and the whole depths of my imagination was filled with the justice of God at the hands of these heroes of the faith.

I would have suspended disbelief and brought the men who were divided by hundreds of years, geographical locations, and varied enemies and united them in the common cause of stopping evil where ever it may dare to show its face. Moses, Samson, David, Daniel, Joshua, and the whole crew would fight nobly and heroically every waking second of the day.

If I had to take a bath these almighty heroes would be coming too! I would play them to death! They would come with me everywhere.

Nine year old Tyler would be happy in his room reenacting his favorite flannel graph moments from church. Him mom and her friends would sit quietly downstairs discussing curtains or lawn furniture or whatever it is they talk about while Tyler, sitting upstairs in hallway, screams out "destroy the uncircumcised Philistine!" as David and Moses (Daniel would help if he could but he's currently occupied with lions attacking him who were unleashed by Skeletor) face off against Goliath.

It would be beautiful. Oh, nine year old Tyler I'm so sorry you have been deprived of this joy! I only wish I could travel back in time and bring you these presents on your ninth birthday to make up for the socks your aunt got for you (I'd probably also include a list of girls to avoid in your future, and tell you that the television show Heroes is going to start out amazing but will only end up breaking your heart, save yourself from the disappointment... oh all the things I wish I could give you and save you from younger me, you're so innocent!).

But at the same time I was thinking...

2) I hope the creator of this toy falls on something sharp and gets tetanus!

Shame on you toy creator!

Oh, the beautiful marriage that is faith and capitalism.

I can't even begin to list what is all wrong with these toys. First of all they are 14 freakin' bucks which is expensive even for really cool toys that don't exploit Scripture. 14 dollars? Why don't you just use a gun?!

Turning the greatest heroes of Scripture into action figures, while seemingly cool, does seem dispresectful as well. I would not want any kid of mine going to heaven, seeing Moses and saying "I played with you when I was a kid, you fought the Incredible Hulk, but I lost you when I accidentally left you on the driveway one day and my dad ran over you...(this actually happened to me with a Chuck Norris action figure I had when I was 3. 21 years later its still hurts!)... Hey, where's you're gold chest plate and overly tight blue pants?!"

Finally these toys feed into the American, physical obsessed society we're living in. Moses was not a 21 year old Muscle bound behemoth when he freed Israel from slavery. He was an adult when he was ran out of Egypt (after killing the slave owner) and he spent forty years in the desert before returning. He was an old dude. These toys further perpetuate the myth that heroes should be huge men with muscles stacked on top of muscles and square jaws. The point of these stories (other than to give the history of the nation of Israel and bring us from creation to redemption in Christ) is to show us that God does amazing things through regular, imperfect people, not through professional wrestlers with incredibly unhistorical clothes and weapons. I don't want my nephew growing up thinking if he is ever going to be used for the kingdom of God he has to be able to pick up a bus (as this Moses appears to be capable of). But I want him to know that he is able to move mountains by faith in Christ, the one who is faithful.

So needless to say, my feelings are mixed on this product.

On one hand I want to go on an all ramin noodle soup diet for a week so I can afford to buy every one of these Almighty Heroes and use them to decorate my office, while at the same time I'm wondering if I can get a national campaign going to get all these toys recalled and have the creator stand in the center of Jack Murphy Stadium (no, I will not call it Qualcolm) while thousands of people fill the seats who feel the same way as I do and point at him and scream "shame!"